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Posts: 6326
May 6 09 5:36 AM
Care Bear is next because, OF COURSE, Douchey will get the Pimp Slot. Can Idol be any more obvious? Care Bear is on the Confessional Stools with Seacrest and Seacrest aptly calls him the "Pride of Conway, Arkansas". Seacrest sure is about the nicknames tonight, isn't he? Care Bear is just so darn cute I can barely stand it. He is going the Beatles route - - he was either going to sing "Revolution" or "Come Together" and decided on the latter because it had a cool vibe to it. Cut to Care Bear's mentoring session with Slash, where he borrows Slash's guitar to jam out with the band and Care Bear says it was so "amazing" to see Slash playing next to him, he "almost wanted to pee in my pants". So darn cute. Slash told Care Bear he should definitely play the guitar during his performance but of course it was hard to move around with the guitar so he was going to have to make his performance more animated.
Care Bear performs and Paula dances at her table. Care Bear sounds good and solid, but he's not incredible, sadly. Simon was right, it is definitely hard to top the brilliance of Adam Fucking Lambert. Care Bear isn't gaspy, thank goodness, and he does seem to connect with the song, which is always good with these crazy judges. For the first time, I'm feeling the sex-ay from Care Bear, more so than the cute.
Randy reminds Care Bear that he's not a rock guy. True, I guess. He might be more like Lenny Kravitz in that department. To continue, Randy did like that Care Bear stayed true to himself with his performance and he liked the vocals, although he wasn't blown away as a whole. He did love Care Bear's guitar playing though. All in all, he did enjoy it. I do think this is the most sense Randy has made during one show all season.
Kara agreed that Care Bear was made more for the softer side of rock (Soft Rock Care Bear) but she didn't think it was a great performance. She thought he was trying too hard, he didn't choose the best song and thinks Care Bear can do more than he delivered.
Paula told Care Bear it was risky to do a Beatles song but "your artistic delivery is what makes it . . . (drunken? maybe? pause) . . .your signature is all over it." Which is a drunken, roundabout way of saying what Bedazzled Randy did. Paula thinks Care Bear's imprint is truly compelling, but he needs a little more energy during his performance. Easy problem to solve, Care Bear. Just take a swig out of Paula's cup. Paula did add that she believes Care Bear is deserving to be on the Idol stage. Depending on who is up there with him, that may or may not be a compliment.
Simon said he didn't like it that much and equated it to eating ice for lunch - - it will do but it's not satisfying and you forget about it. Poor Care Bear. Last week he's a spaniel, this week he's ice.
As mentioned, Douchey gets the Pimptastic placement and he horrifies us by telling us that he will be performing Aerosmith's "Dream On". I flove Aerosmith and I'm torn between wanting the song not to be butchered and wanting Douchey to annihilate it so badly, this truly will be the perfect evening.
Slash informs us that Douchey picked a tough song (no shit!) and the main thing is the scream at the end, since that is what everyone waits for. He does show a little confusion with stating that Douchey is naturally gifted (a naturally gifted tool?). Oh no, he meant vocal-wise. Douchey tells us that with this song he can go for bigger things than he ever has before. Slash brings us, at least, back down to reality by saying this song could go either way.
So Douchey takes the stage and he's changed out of his red flag of douchery shirt into a long sleeved eggplant colored shirt with a pinstriped vest. What this has to do with rock week and/or Aerosmith is simply too deep for me because I can't figure it. How do I comment on his performance? It's basically Douchey Geekey being Douchey Geekey doing Aerosmith. In other words, TOTAL SUCK. If you're waiting for a laughably bad performance, here it is. Douchey is shouty. Douchey is pitchy. Douchey is like the office co-worker who has a beer too many at the Mexican restaurant after work and thinks he can karaoke Aerosmith like Steven Tyler but sounding nothing like Steven Tyler. Imagine, if you will, David Archuletta performing this song, but with 50% less talent. There is the general idea. I hope that Steven Tyler is pulling on his leggings and his feathers and dusters and getting in his car and driving to the Idol studios now to kick the shit out of Douchey for humiliating his song so badly. Good Lord, this is a rock anthem, it's freaking iconic, to quote the judges. Is Douchey that full of himself that he thinks he can sing it? Hot Michael got booted last season for singing this a thousand times better. Here's hoping . . . So Douchey is still singing . . . the band is utterly awesome though . . . maybe tomorrow night the good Lord will take Douchey Geekey the fuck away . . . from my t.v. set. What the Steven Tyler hell is the "doo, doo, doo" he's doing? I think my brain hurts. Oh no. The worst was yet to come. That ungodly scream. Holy hell. Adam Fucking Lambert could have Adam Fucking Lambert-ized it but not Douchey Geekey. My dog actually growled. I kid not. My cat turned his head up, the way animals do when they're not sure what they're hearing, then he gave me a total "eat shit" look. I know what he's thinking. "What the fuck was that? Why did he do that to Aerosmith? I can totally outsing this ass clown while hacking up a hairball."
Thank God and Adam Lambert and the unicorns in the Happy Place that the song is over. Paula must have gotten a little kicker during one of the commercial breaks because she's dancing around like crazy and the audience is obviously insane because they are clapping and screaming and Simon looks like he's puking in his hand. I know I want to. Pan to the audience where a group helpfully marked as "Douchey's Family & Friends" looks shellshocked and like they are suffering from PTSD. Douchey, naturally, claps for himself and says "thank you!" about a million times. God, I want to punch him in the face.
Randy states the obvious - - not that it sounded like a pinstripe vest-wearing monkey on a bad acid trip - - but that rock is not Douchey's genre. Are we sure singing is Douchey's genre? Randy thought it was all right (not aiiiiiight) but he's going to give Douchey an A+ for the valiant effort to hit the high note at the end. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Since when, by the Top 4, do they get an A for effort? This is bullshit. I'm calling bullshit.
Kara thought Douchey took some swagger and added more edge to his performance . . . where? By wearing a vest? She thought he took his performance a little too far. A little? She thought he should have chosen more early Aerosmith - - which proves Kara is an idiot because "Dream On" is early Aerosmith. Unless Douchey wanted to do "Crazy" or "Angel", which seems more fitting to his own personal theme nights of singing to his dead wife, he should have stayed away from Aerosmith altogether. Kara said the performance wasn't perfect but she commends him for taking chances. Again, WHAT.THE.FUCK. Care Bear took a chance and they took turns driving the bus that he got thrown under.
Paula said this was a tricky genre for Douchey. She doesn't know if it was the right song - - trust me, Paula, if you weren't in a pill popping stupor, you would know exactly that this wasn't the right song. She qualified everything by reminding Douchey and the audience that she's a huge fan of his and then asked the audience who there was a big fan of Douchey's? Again, who else gets this type of treatment. Douchey basically took a vocal shit on the stage and they still have to commend him for anything they can - - in this case, at least attempting the note and being ballsy or stupid enough to choose this song. Paula drives my point home by telling Douchey she gives him an A++ for "going for it".
Simon agrees with RaKaPa but thought Douchey's last note was like watching a horror movie, a scene from Friday the 13th. He tells Douchey it worked with Adam Fucking Lambert but since Douchey is no Adam Fucking Lambert, it didn't work for him. Pan to a sign in the audience that says "Simon Cowell is the King of Common Sense" which Simon heartily agrees with. With this panel, I must generally agree. Anyhow, Simon still believes that Douchey will be safe. I hope this backfires, since it did with Matty G. last week.
So Seacrest be-bops out and asks Douchey what he thought of his own performance. Oh God. Douchey thought he sounded good and said he chose this song because he didn't want to do a song in his safety zone. Okay, whatever. I think we should have been provided with an audio warning before Douchey took the stage. Seacrest reminds us that Douchey is the only contestant left who has not been in the Bottom Three. Well, that says a lot about America's bad taste.
Back to Duet Central and Adam Fucking Lambert and Breakfast Club are doing a rendition of Foghat's "Slow Ride". Holy crap, I love this song!! The band, again, is bad ass. Adam has changed into a pair of 1960s-inspired striped pants and boots and he sounds freaking awesome. Breakfast Club changed into either an oversized shirt or a very short dress, over her leathery pants/leggings. They do sound good together although Adam is so very brilliant it's really unfair to Breakfast Club. They obviously are having a good time together and are enjoying their performance, unlike Care Bear and Douchey, who just seemed to have the bad luck to both be on the stage at the same time, singing the same song but not together.
Randy says yo, yo, yo, you guys are our 2 seasoned rock stars in the house! (which makes it seem a bit unfair that Idol grouped the two rockers together for a duet instead of mixing it up). He thought their performance was DA BOMB!
Kara dubbed them the rock god and rock goddess and proclaimed that was what a duet should be.
Paula thought the two of them were a perfect vocal blend, a perfect marriage . . . unlike herself and Simon. Which makes little sense. She thinks they should do a duet on a future album.
Simon . . I don't know what he said because once again, the Idol producers can't bring this mess in on time! But we can let Douchey explain his crap song. Whatever.
Best performance by a mile: Duh. Adam Fucking Lambert. Even the Kiss of Death Craptastic First Slot won't hurt him.
Best song choice: Once again, Adam Fucking Lambert.
Worst song choice: Douchey Geekey. What made him think he could pull off "Dream On" makes me think he needs a psychiatrist.
Worst performance: Douchey Geekey. For every possible reason.
Who Should Go: Douchey.
Who Will Go: Probably Care Bear or Breakfast Club. Both were sandwiched in the middle and neither gave a standout performance. Either of them going will set us up for a Good/Evil showdown in the Final Two. Sparky: My cat that can outsing Douchey
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