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Posts: 13643
Jan 13 09 8:58 AM
GoebbelsRedux wrote: I'm gonna miss this guy....
I'm gonna miss this guy....
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Posts: 4581
Jan 13 09 9:34 AM
Posts: 6326
Jan 14 09 2:00 PM
Whew, love that picture of Cookie, Goebbels! I am definitely going to miss him this season. Did anyone watch last night? I will give as quick a recap as I possibly can. American Idol is back. We are "treated" to a montage of previous seasons. Whoever put together this little intro is either Simon Cowell himself or someone who is desperately in love with Simon. Did they show Randy once? Didn't think so. Okay, we get that Clay Aiken won American Idol. I really don't need to see him more than once. Hey, there's Sanjaya! There's the girl who inexplicably bawled like a baby when Sanjaya appeared. I guess we know she wasn't hearing impaired, at least. Daughtry! That bitch Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Okay, so where is Phil Stacey? The discrimination continues. Where is Hot Michael from last season? Where is Jason Castro? WHERE IS COOKIE?? Okay, whew. There he is. Wow. Ryan Seacrest used to have some seriously jacked up (and frostily tipped) hair. So American Idol is in Phoenix and it's hot. Not just hot but steaming, smoking blazing hot. 106 degrees, ya'll! See scenes of snakes, prairies, lizards, dirt and rocks. See large groups of Idol hopefuls, dying in the sun, while the judges pull up in their air conditioned limos complaining about the heat. Note to Simon: Please don't complain about your job, sweetheart. I heard you are getting somewhere in the neighborhood of $40-$50 million per SEASON. I would be willing to sweat my ass of in an air conditioned limo in Phoenix for that kind of cash. What am I saying? I'd be willing to sweat my ass off inside a sauna with a niacin smoothie personally handed to be by Tom Cruise for that kind of bank. In case you've been in a coma since last season, or are hiding from your creditors, Idol has a new judge. Her name is Kara Disomething or the other and I wonder how long before she and Paula come to blows. Because it just has to happen. Soooo . . . anyone who is even remotely familiar with American Idol knows that the very first contestant shown will get nowhere near a Golden Ticket. Poor boy has Gene Wilder doing Willy Wonka flyaway hair times ten. Easily. He knows he can cut that, right? So he apparently idolizes Michael Jackson and I think Britney Spears? Weird, weird combo. You know he's a goner. He's going to not only sing "The Way You Make Me Feel" but he's also going to do some tap routine in the middle. He's predictably bad, but an entertaining kind of bad not a godawful bad. And entertaining for us, because we can laugh and know we're not being exposed on television for millions to see. All 4 judges give him a big fat "NO", to which he looks crushed and confused. Really? Do none of these people try out for their friends? Are all of them being lied to? Big Hair taps off into the Phoenix (not quite) sunset, with TPTB inexplicably playing Wham's "Careless Whisper". I think if we figure out why we will also figure out what the hell is in Paula's Coke cup. So the show pretty much follows formula and routine. Open with a bad audition, go to good audition, follow up with a bad one or two and then get a good one. We get the contractually required rocker chick, who is covered in tattoos, piercings, and multi-hued hair who claims that she got all these atrocities so she would not be forced to sit in an office and work. No problem there, chick. Oh, and nice cupcake tattoo on your neck. I shit you not, fellow Free Katians. Contractually required rocker chick actually can sing pretty damn good and gets a Golden Ticket. She also has to inform the members of her band that she's ditching them and their lame ass European tour so she can be the next American! Idol! Simon basically calls her a selfish bitch for doing that but he can totally relate to being a selfish bitch so they should get along just fine. So a faux rocker dude follows but you know he's going to get the boot because even Seacrest calls him a "delicate flower". Gag. However, it's all true. Rocker dude cries at the drop of a freakin' hat. He's crying during the waiting. He's crying as he practices. He cries when all 4 judges tell him he's a joke of a rocker and to get the fuck out of their audition room and quit wasting their time. Then of course we have the high school student with a great voice who is trying out on Idol to help out his family or some such other shit that is supposed to make you feel bad for this kid and his family, desperate for him to get that Golden Ticket and bad because we're not 16 years old and supporting our entire family. Have no fear, he gets the Golden Ticket and his father starts crying, I'm sure, because he can see a David Archuleta like future ahead of his son. We also are subjected to a teen who is not only batshit crazy for thinking that he could possibly make the cut, but it so nervous he very nearly passes out and/or pukes on the judges. His voice is also all kinds of weird high pitched nonsense - - like someone trying to imitate a breathy Britney Spears while inhaling helium. I'm thinking that may not be a huge crowd pleaser. It certainly doesn't please the judges, who cut him. Crazy boy returns to the hallway, where he is administered a cold towel and a banana. Then there are a whole bunch of really bad auditions before we get to a 16 year old who is attempting to out Mother Teresa Mother Teresa herself. This chick started a program for other teens to go and sing and socialize with the elderly and surprise, surprise, she has a great voice. She's also super bubbly and cute without being annoyingly so. Then we're told that's the end of day one, 9 Golden Tickets have been bestowed upon the grateful public, with quick shots of who got them. This is one part of the auditions that seriously bugs me. Who are some of these people? Couldn't they cut away from Big Hair Guy or Barf Boy long enough to let us at least listen to a bit of the ones who passed? Or how about less commercials? I know, novel concept. So we're on Day Two and are greeted with the usual judges' grouchings and grumblings about how they hope Day Two is better and how difficult their jobs are (I'm looking at you, Simon). Yeah, thank God I don't have to sit in an air conditioned room for 2 days at a time in what? 6 cities, deciding which singers are most talented. Oh, and making millions of dollars for doing it. I just don't think I could handle the pressure. Thank God I went to school to sit in an office day after day, all year, in the same city, making nowhere near ONE million dollars and worrying about my financial future. This kind of stress and pressure I can handle. So we get Very Deep Voice Guy who Paula informs should be doing voiceovers. As a monster. Thanks for playing, Paula. I'm sure he appreciates that. His voice really is scary though. It turns out that Kara has a stalker. Welcome to the Idol family! Kara's stalker is a 16 year old girl who giggles and laughs continually and has a serious addiction with wearing ugly pink cowboy hats. She has written over 100 songs, which she is personally going to share with Kara. And does. Unfortunately she cannot sing, which Simon, in his naturally charming and tactful manner, is quick to point out. The other judges vote her off the island, but this chick appears to be happy just to have been that close to her idol, Kara. The first Golden Ticket of Day Two goes to a girl with the name Stevie (after Stevie Nicks). She actually has a really good, soulful voice - - she does "At Last" without completing jacking it up. Surprise, surprise. We get a redneck guy next who works on oil rigs or some other such thing and he actually can sing. Wow. Simon is naturally surprised. He gets a Golden Ticket. So by now I'm fighting to stay awake because this is pretty by the book. Since the show started, they have been teasing us with Bikini Girl, who appears to get into a verbal smackdown with Kara. They need to hurry up and bring this bitch on before I nod off. So she finally shows up and she's pretty much as vapid and vacant as you can imagine. She's also obviously demented as she claims that she and Ryan are going to have a baby together and once she gets her Golden Ticket, she's going to make out with Ryan. Correct me if you don't believe that Ryan is changing his name and fleeing the country. Simon, quite naturally, is all about her. So is Randy. She's not a terrible singer but she's certainly no better than a few people they turned away. Simon and Randy, of course, give her a "yes". Kara tries to issue some constructive criticism which Bikini Girl is having none of. She has probably never had a constructive thought in her life. When Kara tries to sing out an example, Bikini Girl has the nerve to suggest that she sang it better than Kara. Kara tells Bikini Bitch not to mess with her and Paula jumps up and immediately takes Kara's side. Both Paula and Kara give her a "no" but the guy's have it.
So the next commercial break shows a blind guy who's going to audition and I really want to see that but my allergy pill has kicked in and off to Dreamland I go (Bikini Bitch and Simon-free, I must say).
Jan 14 09 2:52 PM
Jan 14 09 5:58 PM
Big Hair taps off into the Phoenix (not quite) sunset, with TPTB inexplicably playing Wham's "Careless Whisper". I think if we figure out why we will also figure out what the hell is in Paula's Coke cup.
Jan 15 09 9:34 AM
Posts: 922
Jan 15 09 10:07 AM
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" "Alive! It's alive! It's alive!" "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." "I'm an experienced woman. I've been around...Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been...nearby."
Jan 15 09 1:22 PM
Posts: 861
Jan 15 09 2:51 PM
Jan 15 09 8:00 PM
Jan 22 09 10:15 AM
SNAP TO IT, PSYCHOTIC! Too many people are on my nerves already: Black girl in shiny gold shirt sob story. Black-haired white girl who already had a record deal sob story. Generalized seething Von Smith hatred:
Jan 22 09 12:36 PM
Jan 22 09 1:38 PM
Jan 27 09 7:54 AM
Okay, so this is super, super late because of family stuff and the fact that a jackass co-worker gave me his nasty cold cooties, which kept me feeling puny all weekend and yesterday (a day that I chose to take off from work before I got sick). Anyhow, I am happy to report that apparently American Idol got my memo about 2 hours being bogus and no match for my Zyrtec because we are down to one hour. Idol is in Louisville, home to the Kentucky Derby and Churchill Downs and a whole bunch of people who want to tell you how to properly enunciate Louisville. No, it's not "Lewis-ville". It's not "Louey-ville". It's "Lewl-ville". It's a Southern thing. Trust.
I already have very little hope for this episode if it's an hour long and we must spend the first 10 minutes debating on the proper way to say Louisville. Get some good old Kentucky Bourbon and no one will care. So here are the judges and Paula is decked out like a naughty librarian, with "serious" hornrimmed glasses, her hair pulled back messily and a high necked blouse. What the . . . ?
The first girl up is, in true Idol fashion, toast. Her name is Tiffany and she's about as annoying as I find her name. She tells the camera, before her audition, that if she doesn't make the cut, she's going to college. And she's perfectly fine with that. Which you know she won't be, so get ready for the meltdown. Tiffany is so bad, in fact, that Randy laughs out loud. A total Simon move. Simon doesn't even know what she sang. Do any of us? Simon suggests that college is a good idea for her and she should never, under any circumstance, choose a career in the music industry. She gets a unanimous "no" from the panel, goes outside and then immediately loses her shit. She complains about how she doesn't fit into the Idol mold - - no kidding, genius, they want people who can sing on key - - because she's not a nerd or a freak. I'm sensing this is a slight dig at my Cookie, who was a self-professed word nerd and any sympathy I may have had for Tiffany goes out the window. Get thee to your local community college, Tiff. So the next girl up Kara recognizes. Apparently her name is Joanna something or the other and she was at A&M Records at one time. Oh fuck! Not another Carly Smithson situation. I am calling for disqualification right now because before I even hear this chick sing, I know she will be passed thru. Simon actually welcomes her to Idol, which he has never, ever done before in the history of this show - -another clue that she will be passed thru - - and she responds with a "thank you . . . I think." Ha! Was that a kick to Idol or what? Is this a step down from working with A&M? So Simon gets his panties in a bunch and asks what we are all secretly dying to know - - what happened with her record deal at A&M? Yes! Yes! So Joanna says nothing and Simon says something about it being everyone else's fault and this crazy chick agrees! I love this! So Joanna says she is going to sing "We Belong" and damn her, anyway, she's good. All the judges give her a pass, with Kara adding more than her usual "I like you! I really like you!" by sympathizing with how rough it's been for Joanna. Ummmm . . . okay. Next up is some dude named Mark Mudd . . . yes, Mudd. His great, great, great, etc. grandfather was Samuel Mudd, the doctor who patched up John Wilkes Booth's leg after he shot Lincoln. Mark informs us that he's been in something like five car accidents, nearly died like five times. I'm thinking that this guy is a walking death trap and I wouldn't want to be within a file mile radius of him but he is just ignorant (or ig-nert as they in the South) enough to think that makes him deep or at least very, very special. Mark hopes that his lifelong bad luck (and apparently that of his family) will change with his Idol audition. Uh oh. Not a good sign. Also not a good sign is what Mark is wearing - - chain wallet, cell phone in a holster around his waist, studded belt and a western shirt. Urban Cowboy returns! Mark is effing horrible. Looks like that Mudd family luck (or lack thereof) will hold. Paula, being Paula and generally living somewhere over the rainbow where it's all puppies and kittens and unicorns and Valium, instead of telling Mark he's horrible tells him that maybe this isn't the competition for him. Simon, being Simon and prone to shoot said puppies, kitties and unicorns, says "Like what? Wheel of Fortune?" Which would be funny except for the fact that I think not only would Wheel of Fortune probably be too taxing for Mark Mudd but that with his luck, he would probably get his arm stuck while spinning the wheel, dragging him from his contestant post and very nearly strangling him as the wheel made it's rotation, and thereby giving him a sixth cheat of death. So Mark gets a round of "nos" from the judges and he moseys off into the Lewl-ville sunset, but not before telling the panel to "take care" and "be careful". The judges immediately overreact and perceive it as a threat. They need to remember that Mark Mudd comes from a long line of people who are apparently not blessed with good luck and saying "be careful" is probably just as common to them as "How are you" and "See you" is to the judges. (Not to mention that his family can't very well say "Don't get yourself fucking killed.") So after some discussion over whether or not Mark's "be careful" is a threat, he is allowed to leave and Paula, somewhat seriously, proclaims that she is flying out of Lewl-ville that evening. To offset the weirdness that was Mark Mudd, a dude named Brent Keith Smith is up next and he's a traveling musician. Assuming that he actually makes money as a traveling musician I would say this audition should be in the bag for him and it is. He's not mindblowingly good or bad - - although Simon thinks his song choice was ridiculous. So this causes an inter-panel fight between the judges and poor Brent Keith Smith looks about as confused as the rest of us feel. Is he in or out? Is schoolmarm Paula going to break up the children fighting? Is Simon arguing with Kara because he feels his HBIC position is threatened? Some of these questions may never be answered but we do find out that Brent Keith Smith gets a Golden Ticket!
Then comes a whole random bunch of truly bad people. Some weird chick who is singing an unbelievably horrid version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as if she's on helium. Honestly, I had no idea what she was singing until she got to the title of the song and I think even Paula, with her Vicodin and Vodka goggles is aghast. Some person named Obi-something or the other who may have been hitting the same helium container as the Rainbow chick. Really tall guy who is attempting to eyefuck the camera to distract from the fact that he can't sing. Weird guy wearing a pink belt that I just don't get. Rotund guy with a really large belly who is attempting to sing "Billie Jean" while performing Michael Jackson dance moves circa 1984. Ouch. Are there really people walking our earth who are so desperate to be on tv for 15-30 seconds that they will degrade themselves to this level? And why aren't we studying them further?
Next up is a dueling pianist. No, really. As a former piano player myself, I am inclined to like this guy - - until he says he self-taught himself about four years ago. Screw you, dude. Anyhow, he's pretty good and he tears up like a little girl when he gets his Golden Ticket.
It's one of the Geek Squad that Tiffany from the beginning of the show was harping on. Nice! This geek is named Ross and he is apparently a linguistics major. In fact, he's working on putting some kind of order into the Chinese language to help non-Chinese speakers learn it easier. I don't know about you, but I have no idea how he is accomplishing that and I think my head may explode if I think about it any further. I am not alone in this thought because, not surprisingly, Paula looks just as confused and uncomprehending. So Ross is not just the brainiac kind of Geek, he's also a Goofy Geek. Who thinks he can sing. Probably even scarier than imagining Ryan Seacrest's closet is Ross the Geek's singing voice. It is deep, deep, deep - - remember the guy last season who auditioned with an incredibly low version of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot"? This is what Ross the Geek sounds like while "singing". Paula offers Ross a sip of her (ahem) "water" because she thinks that may help his voice. Paula, darling, all the vodka and valium in the world isn't going to help. So Ross begins sipping right from Paula's straw!! Paula looks puzzled and then totally grossed out, while Ross not so helpfully informs that he has a Bachelor's Degree in Physics and made the Dean's List three times but apparently isn't smart enough to realize that you don't drink after someone you don't know. So he sings again and he's equally as horrible but Ross being the Goofy Geek he is, leaves happily minus a Golden Ticket. But not before singing a song to the camera about how he screwed up. Awesome! So Day One in Lewl-ville wraps up with 10 Golden Tickets being handed out although we only saw like maybe 4 of these people because Idol tries to be all crafty by holding some things back, like we'll watch these people we didn't hear in Hollywood. And damn them, they're right. I will, at least. Is it just me or was there a disproportionate level of godawful people tonight?
Jan 27 09 3:41 PM
(Pics swiped from davidcookofficial.com)
Jan 27 09 4:21 PM
Posts: 3365
Jan 27 09 6:33 PM
psychoticstate wrote: Are there really people walking our earth who are so desperate to be on tv for 15-30 seconds that they will degrade themselves to this level? And why aren't we studying them further?
Are there really people walking our earth who are so desperate to be on tv for 15-30 seconds that they will degrade themselves to this level? And why aren't we studying them further?
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives
Jan 28 09 9:04 AM
GoebbelsRedux wrote: (Pics swiped from davidcookofficial.com)
Jan 29 09 8:00 AM
Posts: 4072
Jan 29 09 9:47 PM
Callmecrazy wrote: GoebbelsRedux wrote: (Pics swiped from davidcookofficial.com) I LOVE HIM.
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