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Wednesday, April 22nd 2009 American Idol: What Simon Really Thinks Of Kara As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I'm his bitch. Enough of that, let's talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!! Lil Rounds "I'm Every Woman" - GIRL BYE! The time has finally come for Lil Rounds to put that wig into its pet carrier and shuffle off to wherever she came from. Last night the bark from her wig sounded better than her singing, but overall I don't mind her. Truth be told, a lot of other whores (I'm side-eyeing you, Gokey) need to go first, but I'm sick as shit of hearing the judges slap her down. When she's gone, they can finally shut their yips over that "I don't know what kind of artist you are" shit. Yeah, because American Idol is the Royal Academy of singers. When Lil goes home tonight, she should go directly into the arms of Bebe Zahara Benet for some wig advice. Kris Allen "She Works Hard For The Money" - You know that Kris makes my no-no kiss my taint, but I got a tinge of John Mayer flavor from him last night which worried me a bit. But my peen lips still declare him the winner of the night. Here's a Vicodin pill that Paula queefed out while judging Kris: "I got to tell you, Kris. A lot of women are known to shop in the men's department, but there aren't many men who are willing to shop in the womens." Oh, to be a Paula Abdul! You can just run free with your crazy hanging out for everyone to see! Danny Hokey "September" - Whoever is voting for this mouth breather needs to get their electricity turned off, their cell service shut down and their fingers burned on a hot plate, because a vote for Gokey is a vote against humanity. I would rather Beyonce sing opera directly into my ear than watch 1 second of Gokey work the stage like a third-rate traveling Evangelical preacher. He child touches me with his voice! I HATE HIM. I also felt hate for Paula for the first time when she said, "I think you have one of the sexiest voices ever." !!!!!!!!!! Paula, please go backstage and eff your snatch with a pair of spectacles if you need to, but don't feed the beast like that! Just say no to Gokey! Jesus will deliver a kitten into your arms if you do. Allison Iraheta "Hot Stuff" - Ain't nobody better talk trash about my Allison! When those wack ass judges said the arrangement was a doody bubble, I wanted to rip a branch off a tree and beat them with it abuelita-style. I don't get why people don't have love in their hearts for Allison. Is it because she looks like a Troll doll double dipped in Manic Panic? If that's the case, just picture her singing while sitting on the end a No. 2 pencil and everything will make sense. Pray to the Olsens that Allison isn't getting executed tonight. Adam Glambert "If I Can't Have You" - Oh, Lamb Lips let me down. I was all ready to embrace the glitter and it wasn't there. There I was, with my arms wide open, ready for his cloud of sparklies to embrace me. But instead of wearing sequined ass huggers, shiny roller skates and a tight t-shirt that exposed his luscious under titties, he once again looked like he was starring in the one-dyke show of K.D. Lang's life story at a dinner theater in South Florida. Therefore, I cannot ride bareback on the fancy gay lion anytime soon. As for the vocals, my ears didn't twitch until he squeezed his cum catcher and screeched out his signature yelp. Every time he does that, the butt plug living in Gaycrest's ass probably bursts. It's hurtful! Matt Giraud "Staying Alive" - I rebuke thee! Damn that Matt Giraud for covering up his hypnotizing MOLE. Because of that, I actually had to pay attention to his performance. Matt is pretty much harmless, but his "toddler impersonating Justin Timberlake" act hit a fever pitch last night. THE MOLE has all the stage presence and when he covers it up like that, all is lost. Anoop Desai "Dim All The Lights" - Dim all the lights on his ass forever. I liked Anoop's leftover Easter Sunday ensemble, but he's like a lukewarm dildo on my tongue. A bowl of Bisquick batter could give a more exciting performance than that boring ass shit. The only way his performance would've been better is if Nina Flowers lip-synched FOR HER LIFE to it. Anoop is a lazy lay and it's time whores stop returning his calls! On to predictions! Who will face execution? (I'm assuming there's going to be a bottom 4): Lil, Anoop, THE MOLE and Allison (weep weep) Who will be executed? Lil & Anoop. Posted by: Michael K
As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I'm his bitch.
Enough of that, let's talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!!
Lil Rounds "I'm Every Woman" - GIRL BYE! The time has finally come for Lil Rounds to put that wig into its pet carrier and shuffle off to wherever she came from. Last night the bark from her wig sounded better than her singing, but overall I don't mind her. Truth be told, a lot of other whores (I'm side-eyeing you, Gokey) need to go first, but I'm sick as shit of hearing the judges slap her down. When she's gone, they can finally shut their yips over that "I don't know what kind of artist you are" shit. Yeah, because American Idol is the Royal Academy of singers. When Lil goes home tonight, she should go directly into the arms of Bebe Zahara Benet for some wig advice.
Kris Allen "She Works Hard For The Money" - You know that Kris makes my no-no kiss my taint, but I got a tinge of John Mayer flavor from him last night which worried me a bit. But my peen lips still declare him the winner of the night. Here's a Vicodin pill that Paula queefed out while judging Kris: "I got to tell you, Kris. A lot of women are known to shop in the men's department, but there aren't many men who are willing to shop in the womens." Oh, to be a Paula Abdul! You can just run free with your crazy hanging out for everyone to see!
Danny Hokey "September" - Whoever is voting for this mouth breather needs to get their electricity turned off, their cell service shut down and their fingers burned on a hot plate, because a vote for Gokey is a vote against humanity. I would rather Beyonce sing opera directly into my ear than watch 1 second of Gokey work the stage like a third-rate traveling Evangelical preacher. He child touches me with his voice! I HATE HIM. I also felt hate for Paula for the first time when she said, "I think you have one of the sexiest voices ever." !!!!!!!!!! Paula, please go backstage and eff your snatch with a pair of spectacles if you need to, but don't feed the beast like that! Just say no to Gokey! Jesus will deliver a kitten into your arms if you do.
Allison Iraheta "Hot Stuff" - Ain't nobody better talk trash about my Allison! When those wack ass judges said the arrangement was a doody bubble, I wanted to rip a branch off a tree and beat them with it abuelita-style. I don't get why people don't have love in their hearts for Allison. Is it because she looks like a Troll doll double dipped in Manic Panic? If that's the case, just picture her singing while sitting on the end a No. 2 pencil and everything will make sense. Pray to the Olsens that Allison isn't getting executed tonight.
Adam Glambert "If I Can't Have You" - Oh, Lamb Lips let me down. I was all ready to embrace the glitter and it wasn't there. There I was, with my arms wide open, ready for his cloud of sparklies to embrace me. But instead of wearing sequined ass huggers, shiny roller skates and a tight t-shirt that exposed his luscious under titties, he once again looked like he was starring in the one-dyke show of K.D. Lang's life story at a dinner theater in South Florida. Therefore, I cannot ride bareback on the fancy gay lion anytime soon. As for the vocals, my ears didn't twitch until he squeezed his cum catcher and screeched out his signature yelp. Every time he does that, the butt plug living in Gaycrest's ass probably bursts. It's hurtful!
Matt Giraud "Staying Alive" - I rebuke thee! Damn that Matt Giraud for covering up his hypnotizing MOLE. Because of that, I actually had to pay attention to his performance. Matt is pretty much harmless, but his "toddler impersonating Justin Timberlake" act hit a fever pitch last night. THE MOLE has all the stage presence and when he covers it up like that, all is lost.
Anoop Desai "Dim All The Lights" - Dim all the lights on his ass forever. I liked Anoop's leftover Easter Sunday ensemble, but he's like a lukewarm dildo on my tongue. A bowl of Bisquick batter could give a more exciting performance than that boring ass shit. The only way his performance would've been better is if Nina Flowers lip-synched FOR HER LIFE to it. Anoop is a lazy lay and it's time whores stop returning his calls!
On to predictions!
Who will face execution? (I'm assuming there's going to be a bottom 4): Lil, Anoop, THE MOLE and Allison (weep weep) Who will be executed? Lil & Anoop.
Apr 22 09 3:06 PM
Michael K brings up some valid points (I think?) but I sure hope he doesn't kiss his mother with that mouth! Last night really was a dud. Kris the Pocket Idol turned in the most memorable performance, I suppose, but in truth I didn't care for anyone. Paula's Adamorgasms have become uncomfortable to watch; she's more far gone than Sanjaya's crying girl! Looks like Simon will finally realize his dream of being able to show Anoop the door tonight; he's had hatred oozing from his pores for the kid all season long. Nasty run-in with an Indian call-center customer service representative, Mr. Cowell? Too chicken to post these chops from VFTW on the main board, but they tickled me, I thought they'd make Pixie smile and hope they don't offend anyone:
Apr 22 09 3:40 PM
Posts: 2547
Apr 22 09 6:07 PM
Apr 23 09 3:27 AM
I am officially in mourning today for the loss of my Anoop Dawg. I should probably be wearing black - - or is it Chapel Hill colors? What is with Randy fanwanking on himself so badly? Someone needs to turn off his mic if he's going to "woot!" for himself every week. And stop with the booing of Simon already. It's old. Good for Paula getting back to her choreographer roots. Group sing was all kinds of cheesy but damn it, if I didn't flove it. The lip synching was ridiculously evident, I think Ashlee Simpson is calling to give the Idols advice. What was with all the guys but Adam F. Lambert wearing sunglasses? And was I the only one who had difficulty telling some of the male Idolizers apart during the Group Sing? Painful! I thought Paula's dress was lovely, if a bit short, and I worried that she would not only fall on those steps but that we would all see her choice of undergarments. Harsh exit for LRR. I'm not a fan but geez, show . . . absolutely no build up, no suspense whatsoever. It's not like her cut was a surprise but it was definitely shades of "Oh, by the way, LRR, you're outta here! Here's your mic, sing, but do it quick because we have a Ford commercial to get to." I think Idol took those freaky white boots LRR was wearing and walked right over her with them.
Damn it all to hell! I was really hoping with the Kris safety and Adam safety that we were being set up for Gokey in the Bottom 3. Especially when Seacrest had to ask Gokey about being clumsy and then ask Simon for a dictionary definition of what he meant exactly. A shocking boot of Gokey would have been equivalent to a televisionistic orgasm but no! We can't even get that rat bastard in the Bottom 3. Gokey is very much the Tom Cruise of Idol this year - - hanging on by his fingernails, kicking and screaming and refusing to GET.THE.FUCK off my t.v.
Surprised Matt was not in the Bottom 3 but since I think Idol is pulling shenanigans with the vote calculation, I guess they didn't want to have the judges blow the save last week and then have Matt get the boot this week. So Anoop goes to the chopping block a final time. Poor Anoop. Idol has treated him miserably and rather than stupid ass Gokey supposedly not getting the credit he deserves, I think Anoop has not gotten the credit he deserves. I appreciated his honesty over admitting he was disappointed, but I'm sure he was relieved too. The halftime shows - - Freda Payne sounded as though she might need an oxygen tank after the show. Thelma Houston's attire was frightening and I worried those "curtains" on her dress would part and give us a Very Special Show, but damn, the lady still has an incredible voice. And I squeed over that song. My 10 year old self back in the late 70s used to love K.C. but the only thing I could think of when I saw him was "damn, he looks old." And what was with the dangly earring in his left ear? Archuletta still sounds like Archuletta. And I think he most definitely needed an oxygen tank after that performance - - which really sounded like hot buttered ass served up on a homemade bun of lame. I will say, though, that Archuletta's advice to Anoop and Breakfast Club was incredibly mature and insightful. Seacrest was a douche for pointing out, in front of Anoop and Breakfast Club, that Archuletta had never been in the Bottom 2 (and mad props for Archuletta's response of "I was fortunate") - - and hooray for Archuletta telling them that you don't have to win the whole thing in order for your dreams to come true. My predictions - - totally, totally evident where TPTB are going with this. Despite the fact that of the contestants left, I think (drum roll here) Tender Dawg Kris is probably the most across the board commercial, I think we are being set up for an Adam F. Lambert/Gokey final 2, with Gokey taking the thing. I say this because although Adam F. Lambert could bake and crucify Gokey on that stage, and has done so every week, he is far more controversial than "I have a dead wife and I come from the land of cheese" Gokey. If Dial Idol raw numbers are to be believed, Gokey should have been the one going home instead of Anoop. As Gokey has not even seen the Bottom 3, I think TPTB are messing with the numbers and protecting him - - and the judges are in on it, lavishing undue praise on him every week and giving him credit for doing the exact same thing they banished LRR for - - she got criticized for using traditional arrangements and not changing things up, exactly what Gokey does week after week. Just my two cents' worth . . .
Apr 23 09 12:35 PM
Apr 23 09 2:45 PM
GoebbelsRedux wrote: Too chicken to post these chops from VFTW on the main board, but they tickled me, I thought they'd make Pixie smile and hope they don't offend anyone:
Too chicken to post these chops from VFTW on the main board, but they tickled me, I thought they'd make Pixie smile and hope they don't offend anyone:
Apr 23 09 3:38 PM
Apr 24 09 4:02 PM
psychoticstate wrote: Adam F. Lambert is a total class act.
Posts: 6638
Apr 25 09 12:48 AM
Apr 25 09 8:36 AM
Apr 25 09 8:52 AM
Apr 25 09 9:38 AM
Posts: 2357
Apr 25 09 11:02 AM
Apr 25 09 11:03 AM
If Gokey wins, he'll fade away quicker than you can say "Taylor Hicks". At least, Taylor Hicks was an original. Gokey is a guy with a great voice, but there's thousands like him. Only his background story sets him apart.
Alison sounds more like Melissa Ethridge to me.
Apr 25 09 11:48 AM
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